What are you grateful for…

Thanksgiving is the first major holiday of the "holiday season" that many people look forward to. For those who have lost a child, it can be the first in a series of difficult days and weeks. It can be emotionally taxing to attend a big holiday meal where one (or in some cases more than one) important member is missing. It is also the first holiday of the season where we are often surrounded by family, which can be both a blessing and a curse. Some people struggle with family members who are less than supportive of their loss or ignore the loss all together. Some people have family members who try to make the loss about them. And some people have supportive families who can remember and honor their child and follow the loss parents lead in what honoring their child looks like. Often times we find ourselves at someone else's home for multiple hours without our own place to retreat if things become overwhelming or overstimulating. All of this can lead to added stress and anxiety about the holidays, which is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year..

Thanksgiving can be especially difficult because it is often considered a holiday of gratitude. For those who have lost a child, it can feel impossible to imagine being grateful for anything. How can we be grateful when we are missing such an important piece of our family and our life? In my husband's family, it is a tradition that each year on Thanksgiving we go around the table and say something we are grateful for. Last year following the loss of our son, I requested that we skip this tradition as I was not feeling particularly grateful for anything. It seemed like such a daunting idea to have to try to find something to say I was grateful for when this was our first major holiday without Benjamin.

Now, about 15 months later, I have realized that it is possible to experience grief alongside gratitude. Early in my grief, I felt like expressing gratitude would somehow minimize our loss and our experience. It felt fake to sit at a table and try to express feeling grateful. Now I realize that we can be grateful for aspects of our life and experiences while also deeply missing our child. In a recent therapy session, my therapist and I explored this concept. As she listened to me speak about my in-laws and how supportive they have been following Benjamin's death and of my journey into private practice, she pointed out that it sounds like I am very grateful for them. I immediately responded yes. It was then that my therapist brought up my past difficulty with this Thanksgiving tradition and pointed out that I do have things I am grateful for, particularly my in-laws and their support.

In an odd way, I needed that conversation to occur to consciously realize that grief and gratitude can coexist. It is completely normal to experience conflicting feelings, especially as we grieve the loss of a child or someone we hold dear in life. As we approach Thanksgiving, please give yourself and those around you grace. Coping with conflicting feelings, grief and loss, the holidays, and family dynamics can be complicated and stressful. Find your people and the things that bring back some of your joy and try to focus your energy there. When all else fails, remember that we all have good days and bad days and try not to be too hard on yourself. Wishing you all a gentle Thanksgiving.

Sending love, strength, and support your way,

Ashley