A Field of Lights
This past weekend, Don't Toss The Bouquet (DTTB) Angel Baby Corp. lit up Shorefront Park in Patchogue, NY in honor of nearly 400 children gone too soon. Every person involved in the vigil likely has their own unique story and feelings about their experience on that field. This is mine.
An aerial view of the vigil - taken by DTTB Angel Baby Corp.
Stepping onto the field this year brought me a sense of calm. The feeling of loneliness that often accompanies losing a child subsides. On that night, I am one of many loss Mamas, Dads, and family members looking for their loved ones name. We form our own little community… those who have lived through the most unthinkable loss and continue to carry on. Because that is all we can do is carry on. It is difficult to describe the delicate balance between sorrow and hope and dark and light that is experienced at the vigil. While it is extremely sad to see the different names on each flickering jar, there is also a sense of hope. Hope that there is good in the world… Hope that we will live on in honor of our babies…. And Hope that our babies will be remembered by others.
Christa, while not a loss Mom herself, is our fearless leader. Each year, she brings more ideas to the vigil and thinks of more ways to honor our babies. Each year, she fights red tape to ensure our babies are remembered by the Patchogue community. And each year, she and her crew of volunteers spend many hours to ensure that all these little lights are set up in time and properly cleaned up at the end of the night.
Christa is truly an amazing soul. I remember the first time I met her in person when I was dropping off funeral flowers for another angel gone too soon. She was so kind and genuinely interested in not only the other angel's story but in Benjamin's story as well. She listens in a way that many people are unable - she focuses entirely on what is being said and takes it all in. She is not worried about providing a response and does not become uncomfortable speaking about a topic that some still consider taboo. She remembers each of these children gone too soon and their stories. She shares their stories with other loss parents, her volunteers, and many others each year. She is also our biggest supporter. After Benjamin's death, I shared with her an idea I had that most people would consider lofty and possibly even not attainable. An idea to form something to not only remember and honor Benjamin, but to support other loss parents through the worst hours and days of their life. Christa encouraged me to not think of this as a lofty idea. She not only believed in my idea and in me… she has pushed me to take steps to make it a reality.
On this tree hangs ornaments with the symbols that loss Mamas & Dads relate to their babies
The seagull ornament for Benjamin
Standing with all those candles this year, I had many thoughts. It is hard to believe that this is our second vigil and will be our second Christmas without Benjamin. Time is an odd thing after losing a child. Somedays, the loss feels fresh, like it was just yesterday, while other days the 17 months since Benjamin's death feel like years. I also had an incredible feeling of strength this year. I have learned to be more vocal in not only expressing what I need or want, but also with regards to speaking publicly about Benjamin's loss. I have taken steps forward in finding a purpose following Benjamin's death and continue finding new ways to honor him and let his light continue to shine.
At one of the most difficult times of year for those who have experienced any loss, let alone the loss of a child, this vigil provides hope. It reminds us that we have a whole village behind us, encouraging us and remembering our babies. It reminds us to be kind to all those we meet, because you do not know what battles others are fighting. And it reminds us that we are not alone.
Sending love, strength, and support your way,
Ashley
If you would like more information about the vigil or DTTB Angel Baby Corp. please visit their website here.