When those you love let you down…

Grief is hard work…but what happens when those we love and rely on let us down while we are grieving? When they cannot be the support we hoped for in our time of need? That can complicate our grief and add another layer of damage (the loss of support) to an already open wound.

Often times, when we experience a significant loss, people do not know what to say. As discussed in a previous post, people often end up using platitudes or sayings about loss that may not always be helpful. If you want to read more about this, check out "What Not To Say." When people use these generic sayings regarding loss when talking about a child, it can lead to the loss parents feeling hurt and misunderstood. When those people are the people who mean the most to us, it causes even more pain.

As mentioned in previous posts, it is essential to find your people. And "your people" may not be who you imagined they would be. Some people are better coping with there being no words to make things "better"  than others. When those people who struggle are those closest to us (parents, siblings, best friends, etc.) it can be devastating. I encourage you to find the people who are there and are supportive of you. The people who know that nothing they say or do will make this "better" or make your pain go away, but they keep showing up anyways. These are your people.

Before Benjamin's death, I had a colleague who had become a good friend. We are close in age, both had husbands who we loved but sometimes drive us crazy, two children (each a boy and a girl), you get the idea. Following Benjamin's death, she would text me almost daily to check in. Sometimes it was a simple "thinking of you" or the question "how are you really doing?" While we were staying at my in-law's home, she sent a package with children's books on loss and a toy for my daughter. These check ins and thoughtful gestures meant the world to me. It made me feel like someone else in the world could understand the pain I was coping with and could accept the fact that there is no quick fix to make things better. She was and still is one of my people.

If you are the person supporting someone who experienced a loss, I encourage you to understand that there is nothing you can do to make this better. Nothing will bring back the person they are grieving so deeply. I encourage you to speak gently and just be there for them. There is something therapeutic about silently supporting someone. I also encourage you to be willing to apologize if you say or do something they consider hurtful or inconsiderate. No one is perfect and odds are we will say something wrong at some point or another. Being willing and able to accept responsibility for what you said and to listen to why it hurt the person can be the difference between continuing your relationship and becoming estranged.

Following Benjamin’s loss, my husband and I had a saying we used often when we found certain family members being insensitive… we would say the only people whose feelings we were concerned about were living under our roof. This meant that we said whatever we needed to say to our families, whether we thought they would be receptive or not. This has resulted in some hurt feelings and less communication with select people in some cases, however it has allowed my husband and I to prioritize our feelings, our mental well-being, and ensure that Benjamin is remembered and honored in ways we chose.

The people who support you following a loss may not be those you expected. But that is OK. If you are the person experiencing a loss, I encourage you to seek "your people" and lean into them. They will support you and they will make sure you survive this, even if you feel like you will not. I also encourage you to figure out how to best deal with those people who cannot support you in the way you need. Maybe this means keeping them at arm's length for a while or not answering every text or call. In extreme cases, this may means cutting contact with them. Ultimately, you need to do what is best for you in order to carry on and face each day. Do not let anyone make you feel guilty or bad for doing what you need to for your mental well-being.

Sending love, strength, and support your way,

Ashley