The First Day of School - as told by a Loss Mama
Today is our daughter's first day of school. So much preparation goes into the first day of school, especially for kiddos heading off to kindergarten. I have spent the past week making sure supplies were dropped off, labeling lunch boxes and water bottles, doing laundry, and checking (and double checking) her backpack to make sure she has everything she may need. Yesterday, we prepared her back to school sign and read a book about starting kindergarten. This morning, we counted the minutes until the bus would come to pick her up with excitement.
For most, Back to School time is an exciting and fun time for parents and children alike. New clothes, new shoes, new supplies, and a fresh excitement for the year to come. A new year to watch your child grow and learn. For those of us who have lost a child or children, it is also an ever-present, nagging reminder that our child will never get to go back to school, or, for some of us, go to school at all.
As a loss Mama whose little guy will never get to go to school, I felt that struggle this morning. Preparing for the first day of school has been very bittersweet. I am so excited for our daughter to get to start Kindergarten. I am excited to see her learn and grow and continue to become her own little person. I am excited to hear her stories, volunteer to help her class, and attend all the school activities with her. On the other hand, I am heartbroken and sad. Preparing her backpack, packing her lunch, and watching her get on to the school bus were all reminders that Benjamin will never have that chance.
Parents who have experienced the loss of their child (or children) know that there will be hard days. We know that due dates, birthdays, anniversaries, and holiday times are going to be challenging. We spends days (and sometimes more) trying to mentally prepare ourselves for the challenge of that day. Sometimes, the anticipation and the stress of trying to prepare ourselves ends up worse than the day itself. We do this year after year, knowing that time does not heal all wounds.
What no one warns us is to prepare for the sadness and pain of the random or unexpected days. These days are the hardest to prepare for and cope with because they are unexpected. As a loss Mama who has a living child, these days seem ever present. It is like walking through a mine field every day, not knowing what day or when you may take the wrong step. Things like the first day of school, graduations, realizing that her friend has a sibling of similar age, or changing her clothes over to the next size can all spark feelings about her baby brother. These are just a few examples of how parents who have lost a child must cope with the struggle of loss every day, not just on special days.
Remember that there will be hard days and sometimes they will be days we did not expect. Remember that we do not always know what others are struggling with and coping with. Remember that happy days can be sad days too. If we all strive to be kind and supportive to those we meet, whether we know their story or not, we can make the world a better place. Afterall it costs nothing to be kind and could make a world of difference to someone else.
Wishing everyone a happy (and gentle) back to school time.
Sending love, strength, and support your way,
Ashley