What Not to Say

Now that I have survived the first year (and a few months) after loss I feel like I have survived a battle. And while the battle may be over the war wages on. There are still so many emotions and triggers that have to be addressed each day. At times this has been made a bit harder by the people who care about us. There are so many (often well-meaning) people in our life who have made some very insensitive comments. Unfortunately as time goes on people often feel more entitled to make their comments or express their opinions. Gone are the days of people walking on eggshells around us, which is both a blessing and a curse.

Below are some of these comments along with my opinion on why they are insensitive. I also include some alternative statements that may be more thoughtful/gentle. Losing a child can feel incredibly lonely and when someone we care about says something that hurts us it can become even lonelier.

"Everything happens for a reason"

I am historically guilty of using this one though usually not when speaking of loss. Before experiencing child loss I honestly did believe that everything happened for a reason. But what reason could someone possibly give for child loss? What could possibly justify spending the rest of your life without the child you loved and wanted so much? When said in combination with any comment about "God's plan" it becomes even more upsetting. Many people experience questions about their faith or spirituality after losing a child. Saying this indescribable loss was planned feels even more hurtful. It can cause a person to question "God" and why such tragedies are in any plan for life. It can also cause a person to lose one of their sources of support, their faith or spirituality.

Instead maybe offer some sympathy - "I am so sorry this happened to you." As some time passes and the loss is not as fresh, you could also add a question about how you can support and honor their loss. Maybe they lost their child to a certain disease that has a charity you can donate to in their name…maybe it is as simple as saying their child's name… These gestures do not necessarily have to be big or cost a lot of money - but the thought means so much.

"Are you going to try again/have another child?"

I feel that asking this question without the person who lost a child initiating the conversation is not wise. Even if meant with the best intentions, it tends to come across as "you can have another" or the implication that the child lost can be replaced with a new one. While many loss parents speak of finding joy in having a "rainbow baby" they are never a replacement for the child they lost.

Another thing to consider is that not all couples are able to have another child. Oftentimes we do not know of others struggles with medical issues, infertility, or miscarriages. Asking this question to a parent who just lost their child and knows they cannot have another can feel like salt in an open wound.

On the alternate side, maybe the couple is able to have another child, but for one reason or another has decided not to. This question can make them feel as if they are doing something wrong in their grief or in life. It is an incredibly personal question and, unless the loss parent brings it up first, is a topic to proceed with extreme caution.

"But you should be grateful for your living child"

This statement totally sends me into a rage. Just because I am lucky enough to have a living child does not change the fact that I have suffered such a devastating loss. While I love and adore my daughter, I still grieve the loss of her baby brother every day.

Every day we wake up in a world that is missing an essential piece. Every day my heart is broken that I do not have the opportunity to see Benjamin learn to walk, say Mama, and grow up. Each milestone his living sister makes is a reminder of another milestone he will never see. Despite all of this - I am grateful to have my daughter. She has been my saving grace through my grief. She is my motivation to get up each morning and try to see the positives in our lives and in the world. She deserves a Mama who can be present and share happiness with her alongside the sorrow.

This statement really frustrates me because it feels like it implies that I am not grateful for my daughter. If anything Benjamin's loss has made me more present and more grateful for the time I have with my daughter. It has also left me with the ever present awareness of all of our mortality and the fact that age, while a protective factor, does not mean loss is not possible. Overall, I find this statement extremely judgmental coming from someone who has never lost a child.

Instead - maybe try commenting on the person's strength. "Your ability to play and be present with (living child) while coping with your loss shows the depth of your love" or a simple "you are a strong mama/daddy/parent."

"I know how you feel…I lost (anyone other than a child) recently"

Let me start by saying I would never want to belittle anyone else's experience with loss. I remember when a family member lost a child shortly after my husband and I got married thinking that I could not even imagine the depth of their grief…and I am a social worker. Experiencing my own loss I now know firsthand that child loss is unlike any other loss I have experienced.

When someone says this, it can be so upsetting. I believe that unless you have lost a child you can only imagine what it would be like… And honestly the worst thing you can think of is probably only a small amount of the emotions a parent experiencing the loss of the child copes with each day.

If you really want to compare your loss to theirs - just don't. I promise that as much as you think that it makes them feel that someone understands it has the potential to make them feel like you understand even less.

"Time heals all wounds"

No amount of time heals the loss of a child. Yes - in time we will learn to carry on and in time we will learn to have happy moments/days but the loss never "gets easier" or "gets better." This is another saying that likely will result in a loss parent feeling less understood.

Each loss is unique…two Mamas who had losses likely have totally different experiences. Even when loss is related to a similar condition the individual experiences will likely look very different. My biggest recommendation is to provide support. Nothing is going to make the loss Mama or Dad feel better but knowing they have a supportive community around them can help to make dealing with loss more bearable.

When we lost Benjamin, I remember multiple people telling me how strong I was. The truth is that at the time, I felt anything but strong. I did not want to be strong, I just wanted our son back. Looking back, I realize that these were people who love me and were truly in awe of how I was managing to care for myself, my husband, and my daughter while experiencing such a devastating loss.

The truth of the matter is that I was only strong because I had a strong support system behind me. Find your people - the people who will be there for you, understand you, and are not afraid to acknowledge if they do say something hurtful that they are sorry.

Sending love, strength, and support your way,

Ashley