Thoughts on Grief &Why We Avoid It
Grief is a lifelong journey…
Many people are familiar with the Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle. This is the five stages of grief we often see portrayed in TV shows and books - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. Most people do not realize that, unlike what is often portrayed in media, this is not a linear process. These five feelings often do not occur in any order and can often occur more than once. We bounce back and forth between them like a pinball in a machine. The other thing that most people struggle with is the idea that this grief cycle never ends. We may have more good days in a row, but the sadness over our losses is never truly gone. We just become better equipped to carry our losses and our grief as each day passes.
I have a different perspective on grief that I personally feel has helped me immensely in navigating my grief and my feelings and understanding why it can sometimes still feel as fresh as the first days following my loss.
We all have a grief "muscle." In my experience, much of our culture is very adverse to using this grief muscle. When someone loses a parent or grandparent, they get a few days off of work and are expected to return to their usual routine. We offer our condolences, but we as a society do not think about how this loss impacts that individual on a long term basis.
If someone grieves for what society thinks is "too long" we label them. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) (a tool that provides criteria for mental illness diagnoses) recently added Prolonged Grief Disorder as an official mental health diagnosis. As a clinician, I can understand the benefit to having an official diagnosis and its purpose. By having an official diagnosis, providers have an ICD 10 code that they can use to bill insurances and seek reimbursement for continued services…all of which ultimately does benefit the person grieving. But as a person experiencing such a significant loss, it can feel like something is wrong with us or we are grieving wrong. There is still a great deal of stigma surrounding mental health diagnoses and treatments. I worry by adding prolonged grief disorder as an official mental health diagnosis, we as a society are encouraging the grieve aversion that is already so common… but I digress. I promise I will tackle my thoughts on mental health and society in another post soon enough.
Back to the concept of grief being a "muscle"…
When we experience a significant loss, we struggle with our grief. This is because we do not regularly exercise our grief "muscle." Think of this like if you just started a workout program after months (or years) of not working out. Initially something as simple as a 5 pound dumbbell curl may feel challenging. This is our grief when it is fresh and new. If we try to ignore our grief and avoid it (similar to avoiding the gym) our grief muscle will never grow. That 5 pound dumbbell curl will continue to feel difficult and even unbearable. When we acknowledge our grief, sit with our feelings, and process what we are experiencing, it trains our grief muscle.
Grief never gets easier - just like that 5 pound dumbbell will always weigh 5 pounds. But over time, as we "train" our grief muscle, doing those 5 pound dumbbell curls becomes less challenging as our body becomes better equipped to handle that dumbbell. In my opinion, that is exactly what happens when we sit with and process our grief. As we sit with and process all the challenging feelings, our mind becomes better equipped to deal with those feelings in the future. This is when people start to feel a new sense of "normal." While our grief is still there, we are successfully using our grief muscle to carry on.
Some days our grief comes back with a vengeance. These days may be birthdays, death anniversaries, or sometimes just a random Tuesday. When our grief comes back and feels overwhelming again, it is like we accidentally picked up a 10 pound dumbbell instead of our usual 5 pound dumbbell. If we continue to challenge our grief muscle and process our feelings, we become better equipped to deal with these more challenging days. If we ignore these challenging days, it as if we stopped the workout completely. While doing that every once in a while may not negatively impact your overall progress, repeatedly skipping your "workout" will negatively impact you in the long run. Your will start to lose the progress you have made and may even end up back where you started. It is essential that even on challenging grief days, we acknowledge and sit with our feelings. Ignoring our grief will only cause us to struggle with that 5 pound dumbbell longer as our grief muscle will be no better a day, week, or month later as it was on that first day.
So how do we train our grief "muscle"?
Find your people. Find the people in your support system who can provide unconditional support in coping with your loss. Find the people who are not afraid to say your loved one's name, ask questions about them, and ask you to share your stories and feelings. Find the people who are not afraid of your tears and will be a steady shoulder to lean on. Think of these people like your gym partners. A good gym partner can encourage you, motivate you, and hold you accountable. These grief partners can make sure you are acknowledging and processing your feelings. They can provide an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on, or just a presence to be with. These grief partners encourage you to train your grief muscle and support you in your journey.
Not all people will be good grief partners, just like not all people are good gym partners. Some people will be very content to distract you, encourage you to "move on" (one of my least favorite terms regarding a loss), and not hold you accountable for the importance of processing your feelings. Like a bad gym partner, these people will not ultimately assist in your progress in training your grief muscle. They may be well-meaning people, even some of your closest friends or family members. But not all well-meaning people who care about us are cut out to be good grief partners.
One final thought on our grief muscle - just like training at the gym, we cannot constantly be in a state of challenging our grief. Remember that it is ok to have good days or even good moments, even shortly after a loss. I will always remember about a week after our Benjamin passed, our daughter was refusing to nap. She was becoming very cranky, as any 2 year old overdue for a nap would be. My husband and I decided we would drive her around until she napped for a bit. Once she was asleep, we spoke with each other about serious topics… Benjamin, our home and if we would return to it, our marriage, etc. Out of nowhere our daughter woke up for a brief second and said "this is not a bed" from her car seat. It was the small bit of comic relief we needed and we both genuinely laughed for the first time in days. But that laugh felt foreign and almost inappropriate. That laugh was like a rest day from the gym. We cannot train 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Our bodies are not equipped for that. That laugh, even just for a brief moment, provided the much needed relief of a rest day for our grief muscle.
Be kind and be gentle with yourself on your grief journey. A significant loss, especially the loss of a child, will be extremely challenging and can shake even the sturdiest foundations. There will be days where you feel like you are constantly failing, but remember in the end progress will come from these challenges.
Sending love, strength, and support your way,
Ashley